With New Eyes

It was on a reunion trip to an Island I grew up on that I was invited to really look into the species that was man. If I was anything but totally aware of my space and thoughts I would not of noticed. It was this: If I see my male friends from highschool whom I still know and love completely. We joke about their failings yet I judge them not. I'm so forgiving that at times I'm a mother, cheerleader, counsellor, seducer to these men. I let them be boys, men, guys. And they are very very different in some ways, but not in all. They get super embarrassed, and basically have no clue what's going on. So why do I expect anything from my husband in terms of "Why can't he think like me?" And all those wonderful "Why?" questions that I always find myself asking him. It's like a test. I want him to say "It's because I don't love you. That is why I don't do or say anything right. "
Well the test kitchen is too hot and I'm getting out. I will no longer feel badly, defensive or melancholy when he says I don't do enough, that I spend too much, that I nag, or stay out too late....I am just me. So the trip actually showed me myself. In that I see what I am capable of and what are my short comings are and maybe those don't need to change as coming up short in those area's leaves room in my energy store to do the things I do incredible. In his life, I am a great cook and can send out a lot of love. The other things like domestic duties I just can't seem to get perfect enough for him...but that's his issue. If I react it becomes my issue. Like how dare you talk to me like I'm your slave...but that is just my perception. You see, he might just be talking down to me but who cares. Big deal. I know how my life will play out and it is beautiful in all of the incarnations I see with these eyes.

The New Life

Well, we are in. In the new house. In the new area. In the new life we wanted for ourselves. We have set up house. We have a BBQ. We have children living next door. The stability for my child that I never had. These things feel good.
This post is about work. I seem to have always had an agent. As an actor I have been told where and when to be places. How to look. What to say. And I have to say there are moments where I am like "I don't want to be told what to do anymore EVER!" Yes, my child is a bossy pants. But I have no boss. My husband sure appreciates that I cook, clean and shop for us but he is not the boss of me that's for sure.
I do my taxes, I drink cocktails at 5pm, I fantasize about the pizza delivery boy...these are all things woman do but to not have a boss...well, I am ready to decide for myself on my time, what my art will look like. I no longer have the feeling that something is waiting for me out there. To be bought and sold in terms of demographics. I am no longer selling anything. I am creating. For me.

The New Everything

The Winds Of Change are a brewin'. I said that to a friend while walking with her and my child on a windy day to the park. Why are kids jungle jims made of metal? I totally blame myself because of course it was my fault but my child hit her head. Hard. So hard in fact I directly called an ambulance. They are always around in the area and they couldn't have been nicer. She got to ride in the ambulance. She was fine and the bump receded to my delight while we waiting to be helped. This brings me to my point. My child needs and wants my eyes on her. I want my eyes on her. I don't want to be too far. Ever. Of course much later down the line but I am it for a good 15 years. Then she will no longer need me 24/7. I will be 47. That sounds kinda hot....I guess I plan on making 47 be hot. I'm getting away from the point.
We have bought a house for us 3. We move in exactly 20 days. Its a big home with a yard and a hot tub. 4 bedrooms and a finished basement. A fancy front room, 2 fire places, and a huge kitchen. I plan on decorating a french kitchen. A meditarianan front room and dining room. An Italian back yard. A Spa like bathroom.  This is a big commitment to a home base and my family but I think it's the best most fruitful thing I've ever dedicated my life to really. I was thinking that I've never really had a home. I've rented but.....never a home to really call my own. Stability. That is something she will have.

I will be doing my writing as is such. I will be filming a T.V. show. But not for a big corporation. I'm going to do it in my car. With one camera. And will just post it on *. A channel on face book my new friends asked me to help with. So I will be able to do what I love while being available to my child. And this I discovered makes me really happy.